dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
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Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Go hard or stay average
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Ape together strong
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”