@bonehugsnirony

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

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@aveuaskew

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

@truegritrumble

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

@famoushorse

customers who viewed SHIMMERING LIGHTS OUTSIDE THEIR WINDOWS, also viewed THEIR FEET HELPLESSLY MOVING TOWARDS THE DARKNESS OF THE WOODS

@ClaytonSykes

Having a beard makes it easier to hatch a scheme, but it’s getting harder and harder to play on a public swing set by myself.

@Vodkantots

When someone compliments you, look them in the eye and calmly state, “I refuse to accept this.”

Then walk away forever.

@lisaxy424

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

@stephenjmolloy

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

@Brampersandon_

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

@bombscribe

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

@shutupmikeginn

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.