I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
DENTIST: Been flossing?
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
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This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
So, funny story. That Thundercat I shot on my front porch was some dumbass kid in a costume. Regardless, he’s going up on the wall.
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Are you sitting down? I don’t have anything to tell you, I’m just curious.