@OtherDanOBrien

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

You Might Also Like

@FeralCrone

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

@OllyiConic

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

@BringDaNoyz

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

@Not_From_Troy

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

@glenna_opt

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

@Spaziotwat

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

@RykWeston

So, funny story. That Thundercat I shot on my front porch was some dumbass kid in a costume. Regardless, he’s going up on the wall.

@Darlainky

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

@SleazySli

Are you sitting down? I don’t have anything to tell you, I’m just curious.