DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

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I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”


This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.


scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god


ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery


When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.


she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street


My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.


So, funny story. That Thundercat I shot on my front porch was some dumbass kid in a costume. Regardless, he’s going up on the wall.


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Are you sitting down? I don’t have anything to tell you, I’m just curious.