JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
You Might Also Like
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
The news is so predictable nowadays
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother