[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
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I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.