[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
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the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Velcrow
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?