Dentist: do you floss?

Me: do we have to do this?

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Whenever someone says, “A word to the wise,” I assume it to be my dismissal from the conversation.


12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.


Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn’t become Superman.

Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.


I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”


*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.


MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy


People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.


DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog


I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.