The game has officially changed 😎
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I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I identify as an antique shop.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Wait for it
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.