@3sunzzz

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

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@byrdie_num_num

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

@UncleKermit

If I won a billion dollars, I’d help so many people. I’d help them into my deadly tank of man eating sharks under my evil lair.

@dave_cactus

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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@drinksmcgee

Is there such a thing as “Spirit Furniture”? I think I’ve found mine…

@SuperJuanderer

[psychiatrist who used to be a cheerleader] you seem aggressive seem seem aggressive

@causticbob

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.