I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
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If I won a billion dollars, I’d help so many people. I’d help them into my deadly tank of man eating sharks under my evil lair.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
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-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Is there such a thing as “Spirit Furniture”? I think I’ve found mine…
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
[psychiatrist who used to be a cheerleader] you seem aggressive seem seem aggressive
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.