Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
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Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.