@david8hughes

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

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@CrockettForReal

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

@hazelmotes1

“I missed you so much!” I shout as I run past my wife’s open arms and jump into my bed.

@JediGigi

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

@IvoryGazelle

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

@MomofTeen

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

@lucky_300

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

@howe007

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

@ThisOneSayz

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high