Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
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“I missed you so much!” I shout as I run past my wife’s open arms and jump into my bed.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.