@ThugRaccoons

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

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@Sarcasticsapien

Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I’m a good person. I mean, I’m going to report it stolen, but still.

@GrantTanaka

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

@jonnysun

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

@patnspankme

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

@stuzario

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

@RoosterMustache

[having sex]

ME: oh yeah do you like that

HER: faster!

ME: *like an auctioneer* doyoulikethat-isee$5foryes-$5foryes-doisee$10-$10foryes