Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

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Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I’m a good person. I mean, I’m going to report it stolen, but still.


“You know the speed limit here, son?”
“You know how fast you were going?”
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”


me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember


One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.


Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house


[having sex]

ME: oh yeah do you like that

HER: faster!

ME: *like an auctioneer* doyoulikethat-isee$5foryes-$5foryes-doisee$10-$10foryes