My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
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Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’