I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
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Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat