DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
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*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Well, that didn’t work.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.