dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
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I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.