dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
You Might Also Like
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
A roof is a house hat.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast