Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
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my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Taken and straight: 15%
Cartman: Respect my
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I’ve been sucking on this Jolly Rancher for an hour. He was just a rancher when I started.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?