Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

You Might Also Like


Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit


my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community


captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid


My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.


I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.


Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Lesbians: 12%
Taken and straight: 15%
Men: 70%


this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great


I’ve been sucking on this Jolly Rancher for an hour. He was just a rancher when I started.


Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?