@TheToddWilliams

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

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@Trisarahjtops

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

@yonewt

my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community

@OllyiConic

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

@shariv67

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

@geauxbraves

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

@charliedelta7

Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Lesbians: 12%
Taken and straight: 15%
Men: 70%

@GrantTanaka

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

@nappydolemite

I’ve been sucking on this Jolly Rancher for an hour. He was just a rancher when I started.

@mkat816

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?