If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
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3: Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy?
Me: So I look less tired.
3: Why are you tired?
Me: Because I’m a mom.
3: Why are you a mom?
Saw 10: nickelback on repeat for 24 hours and to get out of the room you have to talk to Ann Coulter.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy