@NEthingButWork

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

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@ValeeGrrl

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

@Vodkantots

3: Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy?
Me: So I look less tired.
3: Why are you tired?
Me: Because I’m a mom.
3: Why are you a mom?
Me:
3:

@Rikidus

Saw 10: nickelback on repeat for 24 hours and to get out of the room you have to talk to Ann Coulter.

@good_one_rick

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

@heroofthehour

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

@MindyFurano

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

@Michael1979

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

@clichedout

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

@protolalia

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

@sbellelauren

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy