Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
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Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.