Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@karanbirtinna

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

@KKBowls

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It’s like a tattoo that yells at you

@funnybeachgirl

*eats entire box of Triscuits*
*poops out a wicker chaise lounge*

@roxiqt

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

@samalmightysam

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

@SDBYXX

We grew up in the golden age of cartoons.

@Jandalize

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

@FilthyRichmond

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

@dril

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

@pleatedjeans

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies