DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
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Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”