Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

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Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life


I hate when my MacBook starts breathing heavy. I didn’t pay three grand for a vacuum


Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe


After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.


[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen


Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.


Dollar Tree clerk asked me to fill out a survey to maybe win a $500 gift card and I was like I don’t need to own a whole dollar store thanks


I went on a date with a girl I met from twitter once. It didn’t work out, but he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.


Do not mess with bears. You’ll be their victim. Yogi Bear wears clothes. Where did he get his clothes? That’s right – a victim


She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well