Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
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Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Dollar Tree clerk asked me to fill out a survey to maybe win a $500 gift card and I was like I don’t need to own a whole dollar store thanks
I went on a date with a girl I met from twitter once. It didn’t work out, but he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.
Do not mess with bears. You’ll be their victim. Yogi Bear wears clothes. Where did he get his clothes? That’s right – a victim
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well