@onion_an

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

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@DrakeGatsby

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

@westindianpapi

I hate when my MacBook starts breathing heavy. I didn’t pay three grand for a vacuum

@WeedlordKrillin

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

@_Water_Baby

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

@c12h22o11balls

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

@amandajpanda

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

@LisaACOTA

Dollar Tree clerk asked me to fill out a survey to maybe win a $500 gift card and I was like I don’t need to own a whole dollar store thanks

@_Shizzle

I went on a date with a girl I met from twitter once. It didn’t work out, but he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.

@AllyBallyBeal

Do not mess with bears. You’ll be their victim. Yogi Bear wears clothes. Where did he get his clothes? That’s right – a victim

@MelvinofYork

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well