dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
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4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn鈥檛 invite her*
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I鈥檇 bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Not even remotely sorry.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy鈥檚.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
I can鈥檛 believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
The French word for sex is croissant.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 馃檨
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
My support group can outdrink your support group.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi