DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

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Apparently, “I just assumed” is a horrible answer when your wife asks you why you bought her the “heavy flow” tampons.


[speaking to a guy who looks nothing like Ed Sheeran]
“Hey man, do people ever say you look like Ed Sheeran?”
“Didn’t think so”


My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.


If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals


Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.


All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.