DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
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If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I’ve had worse
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera