@MelKassel

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

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@WeissBrandon

Apparently, “I just assumed” is a horrible answer when your wife asks you why you bought her the “heavy flow” tampons.

@jazmasta

[speaking to a guy who looks nothing like Ed Sheeran]
“Hey man, do people ever say you look like Ed Sheeran?”
“No”
“Didn’t think so”

@tracietom

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

@baronvonbike

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

@emmatheist

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.