Apparently, “I just assumed” is a horrible answer when your wife asks you why you bought her the “heavy flow” tampons.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
D: *places giant needle on tray*
D: *places handgun on tray*
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edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
[speaking to a guy who looks nothing like Ed Sheeran]
“Hey man, do people ever say you look like Ed Sheeran?”
“Didn’t think so”
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.