DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
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My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
*mops up wine with cat*
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
SCARY COSTUME
Stop being racist to kettles.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.