Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
You Might Also Like
peeping toms
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I saw this ending much differently.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
What number SPF blocks people?
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.