Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
You Might Also Like
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I saw this ending much differently.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*