it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
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“OMGJK” -atheists
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
WHY?!
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine