@ArfMeasures

DENTIST [nods at my son] He did so well, do you want a sticker for him?
ME: Yeah, sure

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Harry?
ME [smoothing sticker down on my shirt] the dentist offered a trade

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@AbbieEvansXO

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

@sofarrsogud

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

@awescar

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

@chrisdelia

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

@AbbieEvansXO

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

@Mazificient

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

@chrissyteigen

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

@okimstillhungry

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.