Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
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Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.