Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
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[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
My New Years resolution was to not have any sex.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now..
“Don’t take this the wrong way.”
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
My Google search in case someone ever steals my phone
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..