“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
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Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol