@PleaseBeGneiss

Dentist: open wide

Me: 🙂

Dentist: not your arms

Me: 🙁

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@carebear4647

No Twitter crush. I have a twitter boyfriend who I intend to marry and have twitter babies. Then twitter divorce and take all his followers.

@lauraleeksmith

No thanks private caller, I don’t even answer the phone when I know who it is

@shariv67

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

@ElleOhHell

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

@Boba_Photo

She has a coy pond. All the pretty fish swim away when you try to feed them.

@sofarrsogud

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

@Lisabug74

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

@Pigeonlov

I got expelled from school on pajama day.

It’s not my fault I sleep naked.

@Bandersnaaatch

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.