No Twitter crush. I have a twitter boyfriend who I intend to marry and have twitter babies. Then twitter divorce and take all his followers.
Dentist: open wide
Dentist: not your arms
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No thanks private caller, I don’t even answer the phone when I know who it is
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
She has a coy pond. All the pretty fish swim away when you try to feed them.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
10. He is a cat.
I got expelled from school on pajama day.
It’s not my fault I sleep naked.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.