“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
You Might Also Like
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.