M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
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ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
There is so much beef on Twitter it鈥檚 impossible to stay vegan
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
SF is the wild wild west man
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room馃槒
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they鈥檙e getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
All. The. Damn. Time.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I鈥檓 not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 馃槈
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
鈿笍馃煣馃煝鈿笍馃煛
馃煝鈿笍鈿笍馃煛鈿笍
馃煛鈿笍馃煣鈿笍馃煝
馃煣鈿笍鈿笍馃煝馃煛
鈿笍馃煝馃煛鈿笍馃煣
馃煛鈿笍馃煣鈿笍鈿笍
鈿笍馃煣鈿笍馃煛馃煝
馃煝鈿笍馃煛馃煣鈿笍
馃煛鈿笍鈿笍馃煝馃煛
馃煣馃煝鈿笍馃煛馃煝not wordle, just some fried rice 鈽猴笍
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
[god making cheetahs]
Let鈥檚 just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
The 50k lady鈥檚 grandfather left her money that he could鈥檝e spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.