Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
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I’m sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
my nephew has a new classmate from Zimbabwe and upon discovering that Zimbabwe is in Africa (these kids are 6), the first thing everyone asked him is if he’d been to Wakanda. His reply: “no, there are force fields around it”
When I’m bored I venmo cash to strangers with messages like “you looked so peaceful while you were sleeping”.
The only good thing to come out of this pandemic is I finally invented guacamole and chips that can be eaten in the shower
I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they’ve already seen me coming.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Mother’s may get a day, but shark’s get a whole week!
Mom sharks get 1 week AND a day.
…don’t even get me started on black shark moms.