Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
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[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Today’s Times
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
When you “pspspsp” too hard
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.