Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

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Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.


I’m sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.


What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.


my nephew has a new classmate from Zimbabwe and upon discovering that Zimbabwe is in Africa (these kids are 6), the first thing everyone asked him is if he’d been to Wakanda. His reply: “no, there are force fields around it”


When I’m bored I venmo cash to strangers with messages like “you looked so peaceful while you were sleeping”.


The only good thing to come out of this pandemic is I finally invented guacamole and chips that can be eaten in the shower


I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they’ve already seen me coming.


I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.


Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.


Mother’s may get a day, but shark’s get a whole week!

Mom sharks get 1 week AND a day.

…don’t even get me started on black shark moms.