Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
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“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
In banana years, I am bread.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying