@SortaBad: Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom
@fletchworld73: So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I'm pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
@Darlainky: If your gym clothes don't have sweat stains, I have just one question for you.....
...what detergent are you using?
@TheAlexNevil: When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
@LMHPhotog: Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo.
Throw your arms up.
Have some fun!
@zachreinert03: I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it's cause family day never really took off