COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
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*At Railway station
Me : Can I get a return ticket please?
Station attendant : Where to?
Me : Here.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Hate when I forget to grab a towel before I shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 3 hours
You mean the world to me.
Wife: You’re talking to the tacos aren’t you?
This is correct.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Nephew: [crying in line for Santa photo]
Me: what’s wrong?
Nephew: He scares me
Me: why? are you [turns to camera] Claustrophobic?