@SortaBad

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

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@I_am_carbs

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

@beefman138

*At Railway station

Me : Can I get a return ticket please?

Station attendant : Where to?

Me : Here.

@Im_Tricia

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

@JhonRules

Hate when I forget to grab a towel before I shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 3 hours

@senorlumpy

You mean the world to me.

Wife: You’re talking to the tacos aren’t you?

This is correct.

@LlamaInaTux

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

@gfishandnuggets

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

@roxiqt

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

@RidiculousSheri

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS

@daplusk

Nephew: [crying in line for Santa photo]
Me: what’s wrong?
Nephew: He scares me
Me: why? are you [turns to camera] Claustrophobic?