dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
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It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Extremely relatable.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.