[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
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One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
accurate
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer