dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
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If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
🍞🦆
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time