Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
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Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.