Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
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Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
If there was a problem, yo, I caused it.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.