@HollyMemphis

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

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@goldengateblond

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

@ddsmidt

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

@AnissaClingman

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

@CMFC99

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

@heathesauruss

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

@iwearaonesie

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

@Reverend_Scott

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

@stevevsninjas

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?