Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

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I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.



Her: *giggles* whoops you got a hair right there

Me (nervous she’s trying to clone me): give it back


So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.


You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.


Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude


Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner


I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.


Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.


*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*


Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*


Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*