Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

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ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.


“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”


Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?


*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”


[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts


To convince my boss that I’m keeping busy, I periodically yell “YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?” into my phone, then slam down the receiver.


My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.


If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I’d go to the hospital because that sounds serious.