ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
Me: These are mine now
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“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
To convince my boss that I’m keeping busy, I periodically yell “YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?” into my phone, then slam down the receiver.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I’d go to the hospital because that sounds serious.