[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
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Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
im all 3
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.