*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
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The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
How dude HOW?!
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
@funTweeters I am at your service….
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough