@SatansTongue

*Dentistry school*
Here’s your final:
*stabs student*
Why is he bleeding
“Because you stabbed him?”
FAIL
“Because he doesn’t floss”
CORRECT!

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@kumailn

“Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers.”
“What about my atm card which holds all my money?”
“Any 4 numbers in a row.”

@WheelTod

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

@dmc1138

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

@TheBoydP

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

@SeanINCypress

If Batman doesn’t wear underwear with my picture all over them, then this relationship is as one-sided as I feared.

@SladeWentworth

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

@BrickCh4News

“A black man follows me when it’s sunny outside. When it’s cloudy, he goes home.”

“Brick, that’s your shadow.”