@SatansTongue

*Dentistry school*
Here’s your final:
*stabs student*
Why is he bleeding
“Because you stabbed him?”
FAIL
“Because he doesn’t floss”
CORRECT!

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@KentWGraham

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

@Maxine12333

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

@junejuly12

My therapist told me to take more risks so I parted my hair on the other side this morning.

@JeremyBRoberts

I think the 2016 Cubs would beat the 1908 Cubs. First, the 1908 Cubs are all dead. Second, the 2016 Cubs are all alive.

@DomesticGoddss

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

@Pro_Jones_

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

@Rozb7aleeb

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

@sirensaysnope

Him: Tell me one of your fantasies
Me: I want to lie in a field of French fries naked

@iwearaonesie

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]