Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
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i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie