[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
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DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids