[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
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Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Who chose this font
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.