Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
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There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”