Me: *lying back with mouth full of cotton wool*

Dentist: So what do you do?

Equipment trolley 3ft away: I’m a ventriloquist

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[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here


Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.


[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.


When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.


god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave


1) Print out all your favstar trophies and fold them so they are 2D

2) Put them on your mantle

3) Invite dad over

4) Become favorite son


Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.


Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…


If you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there’s the door.


My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.