@JCautomatic

[Dentist’s]

Me: *lying back with mouth full of cotton wool*

Dentist: So what do you do?

Equipment trolley 3ft away: I’m a ventriloquist

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@david8hughes

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

@Jake1000001

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

@Darlainky

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

@CruisinSoozan

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

@Shen_the_Bird

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

@Mikecanrant

1) Print out all your favstar trophies and fold them so they are 2D

2) Put them on your mantle

3) Invite dad over

4) Become favorite son

@Gupton68

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

@ingmarbirdman

If you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there’s the door.

@KentWGraham

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.