I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
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What I texted:
No one like you.
What I meant to text:
No one likes you.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That’s it. No more reading!
Q: Where is the safest place to be during an earthquake?
A: a hot air balloon
#JonsSafetyTips #Safety #safetyTip #EarthquakeSafetyFacts
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
WIFE: 3½ kilos
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
it’s easy as pie!
‘what does that even mean?’
*pie stumbles in drunk*
pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Someday, when I’m really old, I hope I can sit my grandchildren around my rocking chair and text them pearls of wisdom.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen