@CAshmanActor

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

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@dumbbeezie

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

@tweetsvisual

What I texted:
No one like you.

What I meant to text:
No one likes you.

@lakeanagirl

I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That’s it. No more reading!

@fart

Q: Where is the safest place to be during an earthquake?
A: a hot air balloon
#JonsSafetyTips #Safety #safetyTip #EarthquakeSafetyFacts

@DaHess1

Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.

@TeaAndCopy

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

@hippieswordfish

it’s easy as pie!

‘what does that even mean?’

*pie stumbles in drunk*
pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge

‘oh’

@ericsshadow

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

@AverageCorners

Someday, when I’m really old, I hope I can sit my grandchildren around my rocking chair and text them pearls of wisdom.

@shutupmay

she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen