Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
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Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Always…