@Spaziotwat

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

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@mrtimlong

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

@AndyAsAdjective

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

@fightforfood

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

@momsense_ensues

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

@BigJDubz

Me: [getting eaten by a shark] this is statistically unlikely

@ArfMeasures

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

@OctopusCaveman

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.