It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
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I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Me: [getting eaten by a shark] this is statistically unlikely
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first
Him: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
In hell, the thermostat is guarded by a bunch of dads.