Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
DEODORANT: ugh i hate my job, gotta go in his gross armpit all the time
TOILET PAPER: bro
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Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen
[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
This alcohol tastes like there’s a sock getting lucky tonight.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I don’t have a mental problem, I have mental problems…plural.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Friend: Hey guess what?
Friend: No, guess!
Me: I don’t need this friendship that bad.