DEODORANT: ugh i hate my job, gotta go in his gross armpit all the time

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convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.


art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*


wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.


Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??


Shouting “wahoo” instead of “woo-hoo” so everyone in this bar knows that I’m into fun AND sport fishing.


If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I’d go to the hospital because that sounds serious.


13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.