@andlikelaura

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

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@thentherewasmo

Renee Zellweger is living proof that if you keep making that face it’s going to be stuck that way forever

@QwertyJones3

What kind of underwear do women wear in Japan? JAPANties!

WIFE: See what I mean?

JUDGE: Yes, I’m going to grant this divorce

@ThugRaccoons

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

@TylerLinkin

Jack LaLanne died two years ago and he’s still in better shape than I am.

@captainkalvis

me: i’d like to make a reservation for 2 at 6:00 pm

employee: sir, this is a McDonald’s

me: oh my bad. i’d like a McReservation for 2 at 6:00 pm

employee: perfect, see you then

@DrakeGatsby

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

@kiel_phillips

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

@BunAndLeggings

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.