Renee Zellweger is living proof that if you keep making that face it’s going to be stuck that way forever
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
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What kind of underwear do women wear in Japan? JAPANties!
WIFE: See what I mean?
JUDGE: Yes, I’m going to grant this divorce
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Somebody PLEASE come to my house and plug the power cord into my laptop.
Jack LaLanne died two years ago and he’s still in better shape than I am.
me: i’d like to make a reservation for 2 at 6:00 pm
employee: sir, this is a McDonald’s
me: oh my bad. i’d like a McReservation for 2 at 6:00 pm
employee: perfect, see you then
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.